........

Millionaire say
Got a big shot deal
And thrown it all away but
But I'm not too sure
How I'm supposed to feel
Or what I'm supposed to say
But I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
And I miss you love

Make room for the prey
'Cause your coming in
With what you wanna say but
It's gonna hurt
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate but...

I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

She says remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back

It's just a fad
Part of the hurt, love, angst brigade and
I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

She says remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you

Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back

Why does it?

Why does it hurt when I am supposed to be happy?

Why does it keep telling me I want to die?

Why does it make me less of a man?

Why does it make you hate me?

Why does it make me take from those around me?

Why does it ?

Cut to the quick......

I have been mulling over the extreme this week, amputation. But alas my research has led to a 70/30 split between positive and negative. (and since I am posting it here it is safe to assume that the + is not the majority).

.. ....

I weep for what i will never have and what i will never be.

a trainwreck

I sit staring with tear filled eyes at a small piece of rope. The tears are from all the hurtful things the rope said and did. The rope offers no solace in the face of fear or despair. Its only solution is to rob me of all I care for. Why is the rope so quick to judgement, why must it be so black and white. I put the rope down.

Pain vs Heat

Any of my fellow sufferers know that extreme heat is a sworn enemy. The only thing besides a cool bath or shower (and finding some AC) I can suggest is an ice pack or a cool damp rag across the back of your neck. I am not a doctor but i play one on......lol , no, it has been explained to me by one that it cools the blood flowing to and from your brain thusly keeping the thermostat turned down.

Sometimes it is hard.....

I have a hard time keeping my hopes alive when it is so obvious
how far I have slipped from where I was. I just don't know what too do anymore. Looking at it from the perspective of 3 years as a preview to the rest of my life...........I have to be stoned out of my gourd in order to maintain any social function, is it worth it? No matter how hard I try I can't shake the feeling that I no longer provide any service to society or to the people that love me. The twine holding me in this world seems to fray more and more......