........

Millionaire say
Got a big shot deal
And thrown it all away but
But I'm not too sure
How I'm supposed to feel
Or what I'm supposed to say
But I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
And I miss you love

Make room for the prey
'Cause your coming in
With what you wanna say but
It's gonna hurt
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate but...

I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

She says remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back

It's just a fad
Part of the hurt, love, angst brigade and
I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

She says remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you

Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back

Why does it?

Why does it hurt when I am supposed to be happy?

Why does it keep telling me I want to die?

Why does it make me less of a man?

Why does it make you hate me?

Why does it make me take from those around me?

Why does it ?

Cut to the quick......

I have been mulling over the extreme this week, amputation. But alas my research has led to a 70/30 split between positive and negative. (and since I am posting it here it is safe to assume that the + is not the majority).

.. ....

I weep for what i will never have and what i will never be.

a trainwreck

I sit staring with tear filled eyes at a small piece of rope. The tears are from all the hurtful things the rope said and did. The rope offers no solace in the face of fear or despair. Its only solution is to rob me of all I care for. Why is the rope so quick to judgement, why must it be so black and white. I put the rope down.

Pain vs Heat

Any of my fellow sufferers know that extreme heat is a sworn enemy. The only thing besides a cool bath or shower (and finding some AC) I can suggest is an ice pack or a cool damp rag across the back of your neck. I am not a doctor but i play one on......lol , no, it has been explained to me by one that it cools the blood flowing to and from your brain thusly keeping the thermostat turned down.

Sometimes it is hard.....

I have a hard time keeping my hopes alive when it is so obvious
how far I have slipped from where I was. I just don't know what too do anymore. Looking at it from the perspective of 3 years as a preview to the rest of my life...........I have to be stoned out of my gourd in order to maintain any social function, is it worth it? No matter how hard I try I can't shake the feeling that I no longer provide any service to society or to the people that love me. The twine holding me in this world seems to fray more and more......

No Answer.....

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that this RSDS/CRPS/PIMA(Pain in my ass) never has a solution or an answer. There is no specific treatment that works all the time and even if you are lucky enough to find something that grants you relief for an extended period of time, even it can become useless. It is a true struggle in the confines of ones own mind and that just adds to the cornucopia of stressors that already tax a overwhelmed system.

You have to battle every waking hour, you have to sacrifice that which you enjoy, that which you love, endure the anger and resentment of your loved ones that don't understand what is wrong, you lose your entire sense of humanity and feel as though you and a house plant are competing for "who's more important to the household" role only to realize that at least the plant filters and produces the air you inhale and exhale.

It is hard to reinvent oneself, to become something you are not accustom to or even remotely familiar with. You have to find solace in the battle, reason in the chaos. You have to define yourself, do not let the world around you define you.

WTF?

Have you ever been blind sided by an event or an action by a person, not an act of violence nor anything along those horrific lines, something much more simple. The notion that someone does not like me has always been a downfall of mine. No matter how tough of an exterior I put on it still hurts the feelings of the scared little child that resides inside my soul.

This feeling hurts when it is a general acquaintance, but it doubly stings when it is a family member that all of a sudden decides they don't like to be around you and would like to cut off contact with you and your family. And the salt gets rubbed in when you have no clue as too WTF led to this change.

Good god almighty....

I have been in some extreme amounts of pain over the past few days and tonight has been on of the worst since the beginning. To make matters worse, I have a cow down, and very few people on hand to help out. It is sad when suicide or selling all your animals and possibly giving up your way of life are your only two viable options.

I really can't continue like this.

Its been awhile.....

So, I have been experimenting with alternative sources of pain relief and have had some success. The only draw backs are morality and legality....I think you catch my drift.

Stress is a killer....

You can always make a bad situation worse. You can make a worse situation horrible. You can make horrible, cataclysmic. There have been many stressors in my life these past few weeks and they seem to have fell one right after the other so there has been no recovery between any. You have to make the time to relax and unwind, or else you end up like I am right now, in pain and ill. I continually deal with stress/pain so any added is a tremendous strain. So it is of even greater importance that I learn to heal thy self. Here is to trying to relax, hope you can too.

It takes some of the smallest things in life to bring joy back into Christmas. My wife works at a great place with amazing people.

How do I....

When you are in constant pain it becomes a loathsome task to tell those around you that the pain you are feeling is interfering with basic activities. I always feel like a giant disappointment to my wife when this happens. I lose a little respect for myself every time.

How can you remain positive when everyone reacts so negative to you? You have to remember that it is not you they are upset with it is the CRPS, but since you and the CRPS are one in the same it is hard to remember that when you are cracking your teeth due to pain.

Remember this not only hurts, it effects your concentration, memory, mood, all aspects of your persona are effected in one way or another. So it is our duty as the sufferer to take a lil bit longer when we respond to our loved ones (I still struggle with this). Take a breath, allow your thoughts and emotions to settle then respond. A lot less hurt feelings and misunderstandings and those important relationships will not bear the weight of an additional strain, cause we all know things can be stressful enough.

Adventures in cooking..

When a person has new found free time on their hands it is their responsibility, nay, their duty to expand their horizons in any other direction possible. With this CRPS, I find it hard at times to do many things, but that is why god invented blogs, kitchens, and video games, all of which I have found solace in.

As the great philosopher Red Green once said, "Remember if they don't find ya handsome, at least let them find ya handy."

Finally a visualization....

Causalgia is an interchangeable term for RSDS/CRPS. This should give a bit of understanding as to what extreme the people with this ailment suffer.

A very simple messege.

Don't let the person in your head keep you from loving the one in front of you.

Some mornings are better than others...

Awoke around 4 or so this AM, both legs are in so much pain it is unreal. I am debating on calling the doc or just trying to ride it out. It is times like these when I wish the pain was visible so I would not have to explain why I can't do this or that to everyone. "Oh yes I see that the bones are protruding out the sides of your legs, ok then take it easy and rest up.", but alas it is not that easy my friends.

I guess it is time for another pain pill, lets trade ungodly pain for pain and nausea.

You can tell you are honestly in pain when you have to think about wetting yourself where you sit or making the long arduous task of hobbling 30 ft to the bathroom.

This too shall pass, but for now it is drafting me.

Starting line.......

October 3, 2006 will be a date I will never forget as it changed the complete landscape of what I now call life.

Rewind abit, Oct. 3rd 2:45 AM. Started as any other work day hop outta bed, get my work clothes in order, pour some coffee, grab my keys and go. Pull into work wondering who will show up. We discuss a plan of attack, I was a lil slow going but as usual I take on the lions share of the work which includes a trip out to an off work site facility. I get in the truck and go, sip coffee wonder what awaits me when I arrive, pass log trucks, wave at a few familiar faces as we are the only ones on the road at this time, we have become familiar friends.

I pull into the facility and I know that I am pressed for time as I have to fix, clean, and polish this site (a maritime and industrial arts teaching facility) and the performing arts center (an aging former church with offices in the basement and an auditorium up stairs)and get back in time to help whomever is back on campus with their chores of the day. All this entered and rattled around in my early morning brain before I stepped foot out of the truck.

I shut the truck down, open the door, look around the parking lot to make sure nothing or no one is outta place. I turn and slide off the seat as I let gravity and the wait of my thoughts carry me to the ground.....contact as my feet touch the ground. It was in that instant that my life changed drastically. Pain that I honestly can't remember as I have felt much worse since then. I remember falling to the ground, messing up my favorite protective glasses. I gather my thoughts, and broken glasses, and realize I can not walk, I could not stand, I am about 5 miles from the nearest person and nobody is due to arrive at this site for another 4 or 5 hours. I had my cell phone, thank god, I usually left it in my locker at work. I called a coworker and he had his phone with him always and told him I think I need a ride to the ER. I pulled myself up the side of the truck, and thought to myself, I hope it is something minor. It was not, life will change forever from that point on.

Fast forward 3 years. I have had a surgery, 10 or so MRIs, bone scans, x-rays, tried so many pills that I must have the blood chemistry of a Kieth Richards/Amy Winehouse offspring, and I am worse off today than I was on Oct 3rd 2006.

Through the trials and tribulations of battling the workers comp system, by the way if you are reading this and you are one of those people that have take advantage of this system I hope you fall onto a rusty, diseased covered knife as it is because of you that I have had to drag myself, my wife, my friends and family through this ringer washer that is the current system. I have seen 6 doctors, been through 5 independent medical exams (workers comp insurances way of trying to shake you loose from their purse strings)and I am now due to have a hearing to see if they will accept my finally diagnosed Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.

So that in a somewhat large, wordy nutshell is my history to this point.

I have titled this "a country boys lament" as I still look forward but I grieve for the future that I will never have for myself. I have always prided myself on giving an extraordinary effort for a fair wage, most of the time giving far more than the wage is worth. That is the crux of this issue. I suffer from an injury/illness that is not generally visible to those around me. The amount of pain I suffer from on a daily basis in not commensurate with the appearance. That has brought so much guilt across my broad shoulders. I feel the pain and still will never quite understand it.

Now I sit here, thinking of how I have ruined life for my wife as she has a gimped up husband to tend too, a job to worry about, a son to fret over, a disillusioned family structure that has morphed into something she never seen coming, and of course money. All the while I sit or lay here, feeling sorry for myself and pitching a pity party the likes the mad hatter has never seen. But I know that there are facts that I can not change. Day will turn to night as night will turn to day. Rain will give way to sunshine, sunshine will give way to clouds and clouds will give rain. Each morning that I awake able to take a breath is a good day.

A good friend of mine used to sing "You are my sunshine" to his daughter. A few years back she passed away, he climbed up in front of a crowd of rabid soccer fans as his alter ego "Timber Jim" and began to sing "You are my sunshine" and the crowd in response to the words that plucked their heart strings sang along with him. I heard that song on a day that I had honestly thought that my life was not worth living anymore. I wept. His words, the reverberant crowd, my soul had been cleansed. So now when I am down, like today, I remember that moment and push onward, and this push has led me to this blog post today. So if you have made it all the way through to this point, I thank you, and I hope you will take the time to come back and read some of my future or past postings.

...and to my wife, my Mom and Dad, my brothers (especially Joey and Jim), my extended family (Theya, Krystin, Donald, Mia, Meredith, Oli, Denise, Faye, forgive me if I forgot you but if you feel left out then you should be listed here too) you are my sunshine, never forget that.

Why won't you understand?

How can it be that just one day
Could change my life forever
Steadily growing, burning fire
Within me, leaving never
A life so full of friends
A family who'd unite
I hope they'd always be there
To help me win this fight
What started out so positive
Slowly fell apart
School and friends just disappeared
My family broke my heart
My pain is real and constant
Although others aren't so sure
Why should I have to prove to them
This monster has no cure
I sometimes wish I had the power
To let others take my place
To become me for just one day
And see the frustration on their face
Frustration that they cannot share
In normal daily life
Why wind and rain and sunshine
Cuts through them like a knife
I wish my life was just like theirs
Without the need for help
Independence regained, my life restored
Without the need for help
Chronic pain is "secret"
A condition hid away
From those who chose not to look
One I choose not to display
My pain is real, forever here
A reminder of the cost
Of fate and events conspiring
Of my independence lost
Just because I don't look ill
Because I've come this far
Remember that it hurts to not
Ask me how things are
A simple word can mean so much
More than you'll ever know
To know you care, you're always there
Though I've still so far to go.


Written by 14 year old, Alison Day (Founder of Kids in Pain)