........

Millionaire say
Got a big shot deal
And thrown it all away but
But I'm not too sure
How I'm supposed to feel
Or what I'm supposed to say
But I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
And I miss you love

Make room for the prey
'Cause your coming in
With what you wanna say but
It's gonna hurt
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate but...

I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

She says remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back

It's just a fad
Part of the hurt, love, angst brigade and
I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

She says remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you

Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back

Why does it?

Why does it hurt when I am supposed to be happy?

Why does it keep telling me I want to die?

Why does it make me less of a man?

Why does it make you hate me?

Why does it make me take from those around me?

Why does it ?

Cut to the quick......

I have been mulling over the extreme this week, amputation. But alas my research has led to a 70/30 split between positive and negative. (and since I am posting it here it is safe to assume that the + is not the majority).

.. ....

I weep for what i will never have and what i will never be.

a trainwreck

I sit staring with tear filled eyes at a small piece of rope. The tears are from all the hurtful things the rope said and did. The rope offers no solace in the face of fear or despair. Its only solution is to rob me of all I care for. Why is the rope so quick to judgement, why must it be so black and white. I put the rope down.

Pain vs Heat

Any of my fellow sufferers know that extreme heat is a sworn enemy. The only thing besides a cool bath or shower (and finding some AC) I can suggest is an ice pack or a cool damp rag across the back of your neck. I am not a doctor but i play one on......lol , no, it has been explained to me by one that it cools the blood flowing to and from your brain thusly keeping the thermostat turned down.

Sometimes it is hard.....

I have a hard time keeping my hopes alive when it is so obvious
how far I have slipped from where I was. I just don't know what too do anymore. Looking at it from the perspective of 3 years as a preview to the rest of my life...........I have to be stoned out of my gourd in order to maintain any social function, is it worth it? No matter how hard I try I can't shake the feeling that I no longer provide any service to society or to the people that love me. The twine holding me in this world seems to fray more and more......

No Answer.....

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that this RSDS/CRPS/PIMA(Pain in my ass) never has a solution or an answer. There is no specific treatment that works all the time and even if you are lucky enough to find something that grants you relief for an extended period of time, even it can become useless. It is a true struggle in the confines of ones own mind and that just adds to the cornucopia of stressors that already tax a overwhelmed system.

You have to battle every waking hour, you have to sacrifice that which you enjoy, that which you love, endure the anger and resentment of your loved ones that don't understand what is wrong, you lose your entire sense of humanity and feel as though you and a house plant are competing for "who's more important to the household" role only to realize that at least the plant filters and produces the air you inhale and exhale.

It is hard to reinvent oneself, to become something you are not accustom to or even remotely familiar with. You have to find solace in the battle, reason in the chaos. You have to define yourself, do not let the world around you define you.

WTF?

Have you ever been blind sided by an event or an action by a person, not an act of violence nor anything along those horrific lines, something much more simple. The notion that someone does not like me has always been a downfall of mine. No matter how tough of an exterior I put on it still hurts the feelings of the scared little child that resides inside my soul.

This feeling hurts when it is a general acquaintance, but it doubly stings when it is a family member that all of a sudden decides they don't like to be around you and would like to cut off contact with you and your family. And the salt gets rubbed in when you have no clue as too WTF led to this change.

Good god almighty....

I have been in some extreme amounts of pain over the past few days and tonight has been on of the worst since the beginning. To make matters worse, I have a cow down, and very few people on hand to help out. It is sad when suicide or selling all your animals and possibly giving up your way of life are your only two viable options.

I really can't continue like this.

Its been awhile.....

So, I have been experimenting with alternative sources of pain relief and have had some success. The only draw backs are morality and legality....I think you catch my drift.

Stress is a killer....

You can always make a bad situation worse. You can make a worse situation horrible. You can make horrible, cataclysmic. There have been many stressors in my life these past few weeks and they seem to have fell one right after the other so there has been no recovery between any. You have to make the time to relax and unwind, or else you end up like I am right now, in pain and ill. I continually deal with stress/pain so any added is a tremendous strain. So it is of even greater importance that I learn to heal thy self. Here is to trying to relax, hope you can too.