Monday, December 21, 2009

It takes some of the smallest things in life to bring joy back into Christmas. My wife works at a great place with amazing people.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

How do I....

When you are in constant pain it becomes a loathsome task to tell those around you that the pain you are feeling is interfering with basic activities. I always feel like a giant disappointment to my wife when this happens. I lose a little respect for myself every time.

How can you remain positive when everyone reacts so negative to you? You have to remember that it is not you they are upset with it is the CRPS, but since you and the CRPS are one in the same it is hard to remember that when you are cracking your teeth due to pain.

Remember this not only hurts, it effects your concentration, memory, mood, all aspects of your persona are effected in one way or another. So it is our duty as the sufferer to take a lil bit longer when we respond to our loved ones (I still struggle with this). Take a breath, allow your thoughts and emotions to settle then respond. A lot less hurt feelings and misunderstandings and those important relationships will not bear the weight of an additional strain, cause we all know things can be stressful enough.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Adventures in cooking..

When a person has new found free time on their hands it is their responsibility, nay, their duty to expand their horizons in any other direction possible. With this CRPS, I find it hard at times to do many things, but that is why god invented blogs, kitchens, and video games, all of which I have found solace in.

As the great philosopher Red Green once said, "Remember if they don't find ya handsome, at least let them find ya handy."

Finally a visualization....

Causalgia is an interchangeable term for RSDS/CRPS. This should give a bit of understanding as to what extreme the people with this ailment suffer.

Friday, December 18, 2009

A very simple messege.

Don't let the person in your head keep you from loving the one in front of you.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Some mornings are better than others...

Awoke around 4 or so this AM, both legs are in so much pain it is unreal. I am debating on calling the doc or just trying to ride it out. It is times like these when I wish the pain was visible so I would not have to explain why I can't do this or that to everyone. "Oh yes I see that the bones are protruding out the sides of your legs, ok then take it easy and rest up.", but alas it is not that easy my friends.

I guess it is time for another pain pill, lets trade ungodly pain for pain and nausea.

You can tell you are honestly in pain when you have to think about wetting yourself where you sit or making the long arduous task of hobbling 30 ft to the bathroom.

This too shall pass, but for now it is drafting me.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Starting line.......

October 3, 2006 will be a date I will never forget as it changed the complete landscape of what I now call life.

Rewind abit, Oct. 3rd 2:45 AM. Started as any other work day hop outta bed, get my work clothes in order, pour some coffee, grab my keys and go. Pull into work wondering who will show up. We discuss a plan of attack, I was a lil slow going but as usual I take on the lions share of the work which includes a trip out to an off work site facility. I get in the truck and go, sip coffee wonder what awaits me when I arrive, pass log trucks, wave at a few familiar faces as we are the only ones on the road at this time, we have become familiar friends.

I pull into the facility and I know that I am pressed for time as I have to fix, clean, and polish this site (a maritime and industrial arts teaching facility) and the performing arts center (an aging former church with offices in the basement and an auditorium up stairs)and get back in time to help whomever is back on campus with their chores of the day. All this entered and rattled around in my early morning brain before I stepped foot out of the truck.

I shut the truck down, open the door, look around the parking lot to make sure nothing or no one is outta place. I turn and slide off the seat as I let gravity and the wait of my thoughts carry me to the as my feet touch the ground. It was in that instant that my life changed drastically. Pain that I honestly can't remember as I have felt much worse since then. I remember falling to the ground, messing up my favorite protective glasses. I gather my thoughts, and broken glasses, and realize I can not walk, I could not stand, I am about 5 miles from the nearest person and nobody is due to arrive at this site for another 4 or 5 hours. I had my cell phone, thank god, I usually left it in my locker at work. I called a coworker and he had his phone with him always and told him I think I need a ride to the ER. I pulled myself up the side of the truck, and thought to myself, I hope it is something minor. It was not, life will change forever from that point on.

Fast forward 3 years. I have had a surgery, 10 or so MRIs, bone scans, x-rays, tried so many pills that I must have the blood chemistry of a Kieth Richards/Amy Winehouse offspring, and I am worse off today than I was on Oct 3rd 2006.

Through the trials and tribulations of battling the workers comp system, by the way if you are reading this and you are one of those people that have take advantage of this system I hope you fall onto a rusty, diseased covered knife as it is because of you that I have had to drag myself, my wife, my friends and family through this ringer washer that is the current system. I have seen 6 doctors, been through 5 independent medical exams (workers comp insurances way of trying to shake you loose from their purse strings)and I am now due to have a hearing to see if they will accept my finally diagnosed Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.

So that in a somewhat large, wordy nutshell is my history to this point.

I have titled this "a country boys lament" as I still look forward but I grieve for the future that I will never have for myself. I have always prided myself on giving an extraordinary effort for a fair wage, most of the time giving far more than the wage is worth. That is the crux of this issue. I suffer from an injury/illness that is not generally visible to those around me. The amount of pain I suffer from on a daily basis in not commensurate with the appearance. That has brought so much guilt across my broad shoulders. I feel the pain and still will never quite understand it.

Now I sit here, thinking of how I have ruined life for my wife as she has a gimped up husband to tend too, a job to worry about, a son to fret over, a disillusioned family structure that has morphed into something she never seen coming, and of course money. All the while I sit or lay here, feeling sorry for myself and pitching a pity party the likes the mad hatter has never seen. But I know that there are facts that I can not change. Day will turn to night as night will turn to day. Rain will give way to sunshine, sunshine will give way to clouds and clouds will give rain. Each morning that I awake able to take a breath is a good day.

A good friend of mine used to sing "You are my sunshine" to his daughter. A few years back she passed away, he climbed up in front of a crowd of rabid soccer fans as his alter ego "Timber Jim" and began to sing "You are my sunshine" and the crowd in response to the words that plucked their heart strings sang along with him. I heard that song on a day that I had honestly thought that my life was not worth living anymore. I wept. His words, the reverberant crowd, my soul had been cleansed. So now when I am down, like today, I remember that moment and push onward, and this push has led me to this blog post today. So if you have made it all the way through to this point, I thank you, and I hope you will take the time to come back and read some of my future or past postings.

...and to my wife, my Mom and Dad, my brothers (especially Joey and Jim), my extended family (Theya, Krystin, Donald, Mia, Meredith, Oli, Denise, Faye, forgive me if I forgot you but if you feel left out then you should be listed here too) you are my sunshine, never forget that.